We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
