I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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