Are we in a gay sports bar?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
