I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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