I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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