Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
