He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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