My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
