Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
