Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My ass is underappreciated
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
