Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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