All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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