I will die if light touches me.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Randomize
