Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The best revenge is premature balding
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
