My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
