I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You need Xanax blowdarts
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
