I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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