The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
