Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
