How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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