Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
