"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
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You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
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I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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