are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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