Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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