WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
