I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
