I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
