90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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