I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
