Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
