the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
