I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
