I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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