This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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