Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
