Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
