I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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