About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
