is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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