Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
