Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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