How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
