it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
