I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
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Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.