you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
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I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
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You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.