he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
