i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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