I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
