I just pynch a tree in the face
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
