You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
