Your tits are I can't wait for
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
