I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
