you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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