he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
