Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
ttyl tear gas
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
