I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
