At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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