Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize